'3 Months and Counting' was my last blog entry. We are still counting. As with any international adoptions, they are so unpredictable. And so we wait. And wait. And wait....knowing that God has something magnificent planned. And so we wait.
God has been teaching me a lot about myself, about the struggles I have faced and still face with infertility, and adoption (which I will continue to learn once we adopt too!). But most importantly, I have learned more about HIM.
You can fill in the blank of the title with ANY struggle you may facing, we all need to look at our trials and struggles through the lens of the gospel. If we don't, we will feel defeated, discouraged, downhearted, and depressed. I have been there...many times.
We are all in need of a Savior, no matter how young or how old. We NEED Jesus. I have questioned God A LOT in the midst of my struggle as to why He would allow me to go through infertility and why we have been unable to bear more children. It is exhausting. I believe it is OK, to ask God why, but not constantly. It has taken a hold of me and caused feelings of bitterness and anger toward God and toward those I love. God wants me to trust Him and the plans he has laid out for me, no matter what it looks like. He wants me to be obedient and faithful. He is BIGGER than infertility and any other struggle or trial you or I are going through or may face in the future. When sin entered this world, everything fell apart. You name it, it's tainted by sin. Sin is the reason for infertility, sickness, disease, crime, etc. NOT God. In knowing that sin is the culprit and not God, it brings such relief and joy to me! I have been struggling with this for so long! I have been blaming and questioning God as to why He couldn't just 'fix this' about me. He is after all, big and powerful, right?? But that's not the point. The point is, if we DID NOT have struggles, trials, or temptations we would not see our need for a Savior. I NEED a Savior. Jesus loved you and me enough to come to this earth and take on human flesh as a baby to grow and be a part of this world to eventually die on the cross for our sins. Thankfully, he didn't stop there. He ROSE again! There is such HOPE in that, especially when loved ones die that are believers (or that baby we miscarried Feb. 15, 2005). We will see them again!
I am so thankful for the church that God has led us to. The gospel is preached and Jesus is magnified. I am surrounded by women who love me and pray for me. I am able to be open and honest about my struggle without feeling shamed or that others are thinking, "She's crying....AGAIN." I'm a crier no matter what it is =). I also have women in my life who will point me to Jesus when I start feeling sorry for myself.
I would love to say, that I don't struggle with feelings of jealousy or resentment after all these years. Charis is 10 going on 11. The older she gets, the harder this struggle for me is because she is getting so much older. It's hard to explain. Baby showers and pregnant bellies are still a struggle, but I know that one day, the pain will lessen and I won't have such a hard time anymore. This is a part of who I am and always will be, but it does define me. As a Christian, I am NOT defined by anything, anyone or my circumstances except Christ. I haven't gotten an answer to the 'why', but God has shown Himself faithful through this. His answer to me has been that He is here to show his love, grace, peace and comfort. He has done that through His Word, my family, and friends.
While we have waited and longed for this child, this adoption is not the end all for me. My fulfillment does not come from the child we adopt, my family, friends, stuff, money, etc. My fulfillment comes from Jesus, no matter what happens even if this adoption falls through. While that would be devastating, I need to remember that God is in control no matter what and that His plans are so much better than mine.
We know we are nearing the end on receiving that call about a referral. We are anxious and anticipating that phone call when we hear they have a child picked out for us! Adoption is such a wonderful reminder of God's love and grace for us. It's also an amazing reminder of the gospel! He adopted/handpicked me to be a part of his family and now we anxiously wait for the child God has handpicked specifically for our family. We rest in His sovereignty knowing His timing is perfect and complete. And so we wait...patiently and confidently.
Isaiah 55: 8-13
8. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11. so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
12. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.
