God has been doing an amazing work in my heart. I have tried on my own to change and grow, but that just hasn't seemed to work in my favor...haha.
I have been through a difficult and painful season of my life and I can honestly say that I am seeing real change and growth in my life. FINALLY. Being on this path has caused a lot of sadness, tears, anger, jealousy, resentment....the list could go on. BUT God is removing those emotions and replacing them with TRUE joy, love, and peace. Joy, love and peace that only He can give.
God keeps bringing certain verses to my mind on a daily basis. The first set he showed me was during my miscarriage in Feb. 2005, and he's been reminding me of them again. It's amazing to me that God can bring just the right verses when you need them the most and use them to encourage and strengthen you. God has brought other verses to me through the years, but these particular ones have been foremost on my mind recently.
Jeremiah 18:1-6
"The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words." So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."
I couldn't have gotten through those dark days without them. It's been almost 10 years since that time and I've struggled immensely with my emotions, God's love for me, and asking why me. I am so thankful for God's grace in my life and that he continues to work on me even in the midst of my failure, questioning and anger toward Him. Looking back over these years, I am in awe of all God has been doing in my life. Not just in this particular struggle, but in all areas of my life.
Isaiah 43: 18-19
Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
God is doing a new thing in my heart...changing it. True change not based on emotions. He is making a way through this season of my life. It is springing forth and I am SEEING IT.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Sunday, July 6, 2014
We said YES!
Without even knowing his name or seeing his face....we said YES!
We even had the option to say no after seeing his picture, knowing his name and reviewing his medical history....we still said YES!
This was THE phone call we had been waiting on for so long. I was driving and Charis was sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I almost didn't answer it because I was afraid it was a telemarketer. But I answered it and I am so glad I did! As soon as I heard our family coordinator say her name, I KNEW what the phone call was about! WOW! What a moment! I almost broke down as soon as I heard her voice, but I held it together. (I probably should have pulled over, but thankfully, I was able to get through the phone call while driving!). Our family coordinator laughed and said, "This is the fun part!". This would be the fun part of her job, calling families about referrals! Charis knew after a few minutes what the phone call was about and immediately she began to cry too. I got off the phone with her and called Caleb, but I couldn't even talk to him on the phone, so I went to his work instead so we could talk about it. There were a few minor health concerns that our family coordinator wanted us to be aware of before we made our decision.
We all three sat in the car and talked about the phone call and this little boy waiting in Ethiopia for a forever family. Charis has a birthday coming up and she said through her tears, "This is the best birthday present ever!" We wholeheartedly agreed with her!
We talked about the health issues knowing that he will receive great medical care here in America. But the two biggest things that sealed the deal for us were two things: God's sovereignty and the Gospel.
We trust in God's sovereignty and that his plan for us is perfect. We couldn't imagine saying no after waiting for THIS phone call.
The Gospel of course always plays an important role in every decision and aspect of our lives. Adoption is the most beautiful display of the gospel. God adopted us into his family. He doesn't care what we look like, what our past looks like. He loves us no matter what. He accepts us no matter what. So in light of this, we said this was the little boy God hand-picked for our family!
We have been able to FaceTime and Skype with family not living around here to show his pictures and videos and that has been so much fun! We've been able to share his pictures with our friends and family here. It brings us so much joy and excitement in seeing their reaction to the little guy's pictures and videos. I love that our family and friends are so excited and happy for us! The consensus is all the aunties can't wait to pinch his little cheeks! This little guy is already loved by so many people...he is going to be so overwhelmed (in a good way)!!
I can't wait to be able to post his picture online, but we can't until this adoption is finalized. We have to be super careful about what we share. We may not be able to answer your questions about his background to protect him, his background and story. We will let him make the decision on how much to share when he is older.
For now, I will share his name and age. We had the name Calvin picked out previously, but we have since changed it to Corey. We changed it because Corey means 'Chosen'. His name will be Corey Kelley. He is 3 years old, loves to dance (as evidenced by the two videos we received!). His middle name will be his given name, but we can't share that at this time.
We have to take two trips and are awaiting dates for the first trip. Ethiopian court closes from mid-August to Sept/Oct. due to the rainy season. Roads become pretty much impassable during this time. We aren't sure if we can make our first trip before this happens, but if we don't our first trip will be in Oct. sometime. We have approximately 8 months from the time of our referral call to when we can bring him home which would be in March!
We are anxious to meet Corey face to face and get to know him on our first trip! We will have to say good-bye which will be incredibly hard, but knowing that we will be able to bring him home on our second trip will hopefully make it a little easier to say goodbye...doubtful...but we're so close to the end of this part of our journey! The real journey will begin when we bring him home! =)
We even had the option to say no after seeing his picture, knowing his name and reviewing his medical history....we still said YES!
This was THE phone call we had been waiting on for so long. I was driving and Charis was sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I almost didn't answer it because I was afraid it was a telemarketer. But I answered it and I am so glad I did! As soon as I heard our family coordinator say her name, I KNEW what the phone call was about! WOW! What a moment! I almost broke down as soon as I heard her voice, but I held it together. (I probably should have pulled over, but thankfully, I was able to get through the phone call while driving!). Our family coordinator laughed and said, "This is the fun part!". This would be the fun part of her job, calling families about referrals! Charis knew after a few minutes what the phone call was about and immediately she began to cry too. I got off the phone with her and called Caleb, but I couldn't even talk to him on the phone, so I went to his work instead so we could talk about it. There were a few minor health concerns that our family coordinator wanted us to be aware of before we made our decision.
We all three sat in the car and talked about the phone call and this little boy waiting in Ethiopia for a forever family. Charis has a birthday coming up and she said through her tears, "This is the best birthday present ever!" We wholeheartedly agreed with her!
We talked about the health issues knowing that he will receive great medical care here in America. But the two biggest things that sealed the deal for us were two things: God's sovereignty and the Gospel.
We trust in God's sovereignty and that his plan for us is perfect. We couldn't imagine saying no after waiting for THIS phone call.
The Gospel of course always plays an important role in every decision and aspect of our lives. Adoption is the most beautiful display of the gospel. God adopted us into his family. He doesn't care what we look like, what our past looks like. He loves us no matter what. He accepts us no matter what. So in light of this, we said this was the little boy God hand-picked for our family!
We have been able to FaceTime and Skype with family not living around here to show his pictures and videos and that has been so much fun! We've been able to share his pictures with our friends and family here. It brings us so much joy and excitement in seeing their reaction to the little guy's pictures and videos. I love that our family and friends are so excited and happy for us! The consensus is all the aunties can't wait to pinch his little cheeks! This little guy is already loved by so many people...he is going to be so overwhelmed (in a good way)!!
I can't wait to be able to post his picture online, but we can't until this adoption is finalized. We have to be super careful about what we share. We may not be able to answer your questions about his background to protect him, his background and story. We will let him make the decision on how much to share when he is older.
For now, I will share his name and age. We had the name Calvin picked out previously, but we have since changed it to Corey. We changed it because Corey means 'Chosen'. His name will be Corey Kelley. He is 3 years old, loves to dance (as evidenced by the two videos we received!). His middle name will be his given name, but we can't share that at this time.
We have to take two trips and are awaiting dates for the first trip. Ethiopian court closes from mid-August to Sept/Oct. due to the rainy season. Roads become pretty much impassable during this time. We aren't sure if we can make our first trip before this happens, but if we don't our first trip will be in Oct. sometime. We have approximately 8 months from the time of our referral call to when we can bring him home which would be in March!
We are anxious to meet Corey face to face and get to know him on our first trip! We will have to say good-bye which will be incredibly hard, but knowing that we will be able to bring him home on our second trip will hopefully make it a little easier to say goodbye...doubtful...but we're so close to the end of this part of our journey! The real journey will begin when we bring him home! =)
Friday, May 23, 2014
Infertility and the Gospel
'3 Months and Counting' was my last blog entry. We are still counting. As with any international adoptions, they are so unpredictable. And so we wait. And wait. And wait....knowing that God has something magnificent planned. And so we wait.
God has been teaching me a lot about myself, about the struggles I have faced and still face with infertility, and adoption (which I will continue to learn once we adopt too!). But most importantly, I have learned more about HIM.
You can fill in the blank of the title with ANY struggle you may facing, we all need to look at our trials and struggles through the lens of the gospel. If we don't, we will feel defeated, discouraged, downhearted, and depressed. I have been there...many times.
We are all in need of a Savior, no matter how young or how old. We NEED Jesus. I have questioned God A LOT in the midst of my struggle as to why He would allow me to go through infertility and why we have been unable to bear more children. It is exhausting. I believe it is OK, to ask God why, but not constantly. It has taken a hold of me and caused feelings of bitterness and anger toward God and toward those I love. God wants me to trust Him and the plans he has laid out for me, no matter what it looks like. He wants me to be obedient and faithful. He is BIGGER than infertility and any other struggle or trial you or I are going through or may face in the future. When sin entered this world, everything fell apart. You name it, it's tainted by sin. Sin is the reason for infertility, sickness, disease, crime, etc. NOT God. In knowing that sin is the culprit and not God, it brings such relief and joy to me! I have been struggling with this for so long! I have been blaming and questioning God as to why He couldn't just 'fix this' about me. He is after all, big and powerful, right?? But that's not the point. The point is, if we DID NOT have struggles, trials, or temptations we would not see our need for a Savior. I NEED a Savior. Jesus loved you and me enough to come to this earth and take on human flesh as a baby to grow and be a part of this world to eventually die on the cross for our sins. Thankfully, he didn't stop there. He ROSE again! There is such HOPE in that, especially when loved ones die that are believers (or that baby we miscarried Feb. 15, 2005). We will see them again!
I am so thankful for the church that God has led us to. The gospel is preached and Jesus is magnified. I am surrounded by women who love me and pray for me. I am able to be open and honest about my struggle without feeling shamed or that others are thinking, "She's crying....AGAIN." I'm a crier no matter what it is =). I also have women in my life who will point me to Jesus when I start feeling sorry for myself.
I would love to say, that I don't struggle with feelings of jealousy or resentment after all these years. Charis is 10 going on 11. The older she gets, the harder this struggle for me is because she is getting so much older. It's hard to explain. Baby showers and pregnant bellies are still a struggle, but I know that one day, the pain will lessen and I won't have such a hard time anymore. This is a part of who I am and always will be, but it does define me. As a Christian, I am NOT defined by anything, anyone or my circumstances except Christ. I haven't gotten an answer to the 'why', but God has shown Himself faithful through this. His answer to me has been that He is here to show his love, grace, peace and comfort. He has done that through His Word, my family, and friends.
While we have waited and longed for this child, this adoption is not the end all for me. My fulfillment does not come from the child we adopt, my family, friends, stuff, money, etc. My fulfillment comes from Jesus, no matter what happens even if this adoption falls through. While that would be devastating, I need to remember that God is in control no matter what and that His plans are so much better than mine.
We know we are nearing the end on receiving that call about a referral. We are anxious and anticipating that phone call when we hear they have a child picked out for us! Adoption is such a wonderful reminder of God's love and grace for us. It's also an amazing reminder of the gospel! He adopted/handpicked me to be a part of his family and now we anxiously wait for the child God has handpicked specifically for our family. We rest in His sovereignty knowing His timing is perfect and complete. And so we wait...patiently and confidently.
Isaiah 55: 8-13
8. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11. so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
12. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.
God has been teaching me a lot about myself, about the struggles I have faced and still face with infertility, and adoption (which I will continue to learn once we adopt too!). But most importantly, I have learned more about HIM.
You can fill in the blank of the title with ANY struggle you may facing, we all need to look at our trials and struggles through the lens of the gospel. If we don't, we will feel defeated, discouraged, downhearted, and depressed. I have been there...many times.
We are all in need of a Savior, no matter how young or how old. We NEED Jesus. I have questioned God A LOT in the midst of my struggle as to why He would allow me to go through infertility and why we have been unable to bear more children. It is exhausting. I believe it is OK, to ask God why, but not constantly. It has taken a hold of me and caused feelings of bitterness and anger toward God and toward those I love. God wants me to trust Him and the plans he has laid out for me, no matter what it looks like. He wants me to be obedient and faithful. He is BIGGER than infertility and any other struggle or trial you or I are going through or may face in the future. When sin entered this world, everything fell apart. You name it, it's tainted by sin. Sin is the reason for infertility, sickness, disease, crime, etc. NOT God. In knowing that sin is the culprit and not God, it brings such relief and joy to me! I have been struggling with this for so long! I have been blaming and questioning God as to why He couldn't just 'fix this' about me. He is after all, big and powerful, right?? But that's not the point. The point is, if we DID NOT have struggles, trials, or temptations we would not see our need for a Savior. I NEED a Savior. Jesus loved you and me enough to come to this earth and take on human flesh as a baby to grow and be a part of this world to eventually die on the cross for our sins. Thankfully, he didn't stop there. He ROSE again! There is such HOPE in that, especially when loved ones die that are believers (or that baby we miscarried Feb. 15, 2005). We will see them again!
I am so thankful for the church that God has led us to. The gospel is preached and Jesus is magnified. I am surrounded by women who love me and pray for me. I am able to be open and honest about my struggle without feeling shamed or that others are thinking, "She's crying....AGAIN." I'm a crier no matter what it is =). I also have women in my life who will point me to Jesus when I start feeling sorry for myself.
I would love to say, that I don't struggle with feelings of jealousy or resentment after all these years. Charis is 10 going on 11. The older she gets, the harder this struggle for me is because she is getting so much older. It's hard to explain. Baby showers and pregnant bellies are still a struggle, but I know that one day, the pain will lessen and I won't have such a hard time anymore. This is a part of who I am and always will be, but it does define me. As a Christian, I am NOT defined by anything, anyone or my circumstances except Christ. I haven't gotten an answer to the 'why', but God has shown Himself faithful through this. His answer to me has been that He is here to show his love, grace, peace and comfort. He has done that through His Word, my family, and friends.
While we have waited and longed for this child, this adoption is not the end all for me. My fulfillment does not come from the child we adopt, my family, friends, stuff, money, etc. My fulfillment comes from Jesus, no matter what happens even if this adoption falls through. While that would be devastating, I need to remember that God is in control no matter what and that His plans are so much better than mine.
We know we are nearing the end on receiving that call about a referral. We are anxious and anticipating that phone call when we hear they have a child picked out for us! Adoption is such a wonderful reminder of God's love and grace for us. It's also an amazing reminder of the gospel! He adopted/handpicked me to be a part of his family and now we anxiously wait for the child God has handpicked specifically for our family. We rest in His sovereignty knowing His timing is perfect and complete. And so we wait...patiently and confidently.
Isaiah 55: 8-13
8. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11. so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
12. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.
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