Getting to the heart of the matter

How it all began…

Infertility. Just that word alone conjures up sadness, grief, loss, anger, envy, guilt, isolation the list could go on for those going through this struggle. We were told that we have ‘unexplained infertility’ in the medical world. You name it we’ve tried it to conceive. Yes, we do have a wonderful and beautiful daughter named Charis. We call her our miracle child because it took 2 years to have her. We used Clomid (a mild fertility drug) to conceive her. It took just one month on Clomid! I cannot explain the joy and excitement we felt when we found that we were finally pregnant! My doctor told me that getting pregnant again is usually easier after the first child.

So….enter the world of Caleb and Tracy Kelley. We moved to South Korea in ’04 and we conceived again (without even trying, I might add!) in Jan. ’05, but this child was not meant to be. We miscarried in Feb. ’05. After our miscarriage, we definitely wanted to try again. 4 years later, we were still trying. We went back on Clomid again, tried artificial insemination (3x’s), and then IVF. We joined a church in Ozark, MO called LifePoint Church and loved it. There were a few women that I could relate to that had dealt with infertility, it was great to be able to have that commonness. We were there for about a year before God called us to move to Rochester, NY to help with a church plant named Grace Road Church. In moving to NY, God completely took me out of my comfort zone, which I did not realize until we moved. You see, there was NO ONE here struggling with infertility, it was the exact opposite ( I ‘lovingly’ referred to Rochester as ‘Fertileville’). Women were having babies by not even thinking about it. You know, the sayings ‘my husband just has to look at me and I’m pregnant’, I just have to think about it and I’m pregnant’, or ‘we weren’t even trying’! Those of you reading this going through or have gone through infertility know the pain that those phrases can bring. I felt for the longest time that I was branded because of my infertility. I felt like it was all I could talk about or if I did talk about it, all I did was get so emotional or really depressed. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me, but at the same time it was hard to hear them talk about their pregnancy or the differences in their children. I had a hard time being around people who had more than one child or who was pregnant. I felt inadequate because I didn’t feel like I was fulfilling my God given role and desire which was to be a mom to lots of kids. I was confused because God commands us to be fruitful and multiply, but how could I fulfill His commandment when it was HIM who had closed my womb?

How do you explain this to a 4, 5, or 6 year old who asks you, ‘Mommy, I want a baby brother or a baby sister’, or mommy, when are you going to have another baby’? My response for the longest time was ‘I don’t know we’ll just have to pray about it.’ Yes, we did pray, but as time went on, I refused to pray about it because I was SO angry at God for this struggle that He chose to place on my life. I would look at other women who had loads of kids and think ‘how in the world can they complain about problems in their lives when they are blessed beyond measure with all their children?’ I couldn’t look past the part that just because they were blessed with lots of kids they still struggled with things that I may not necessarily be struggling with. Having loads of kids is not the answer to happiness. I remember Charis asking me when my tummy was going to get big because there were several women in the church who were pregnant, that’s when Caleb and I decided to talk to her about adoption. We had been thinking and praying about adoption, but I was not completely sold on the idea. I wanted to have another biological child so bad, that I didn't the like thought of raising a child from another woman. I remember reading about another couple’s struggle with infertility and they said something in the article that I will never forget. When someone is going through infertility, they are grieving a loss. I had never thought about it that way. Of course, it took a while to actually sink in before I really grasped what it all meant. I was in denial (and not even knowing it) for so long about my infertility. Moving to NY, I came face to face with it in a way that I never had before. When I finally grasped the fact that I was in fact grieving a loss, I was able to cope with my infertility so much better. I guess in a way it ‘validated’ my feelings, my longings, and my depression. I also had not grieved for this loss in my life and it was nice to put words to what I was going through. I was then able to see past the hurt, anger, grief, depression, etc.

We probably moved during the worst possible season—winter! It was COLD AND GRAY for most of the winter here. Going through this struggle during the winter did not help matters either! I had to learn to rely on Jesus more than I ever had before which did not come easily  I also came to realize (through the great preaching at Grace Road and great friends) that I was holding having a baby as an idol. I had placed wanting a baby higher than Jesus in my life. During this time I was reading a book called ‘No Other Gods’ by Kelly Minter. This book helped me tremendously at taking this idol I had placed in my life and putting Jesus back on the throne of my life. I can be quite stubborn at times.

Enter adoption…

I came to the realization that the way we were going to grow our family was through adoption and what an exciting realization it was! But first, getting approved through America World was a little stressful and the waiting seemed endless. So here we are wading through the mounds of paperwork, not to mention the money! We are excited to see how God will provide the finances. We know he has called us to adopt, so we are stepping through this door anxiously waiting to see his hand at work. We have been able to pay for the first program fee of $1125 and we just sent off another check for the home study for $3125. I just look at those numbers and think, WOW!! How were we able to have that kind of money in so little time? My answer is GOD!

I don’t think I’ll ever forget Charis’ reaction when Caleb explained to her what adoption was. Caleb explained to her that there were kids out there who did not have a mommy or daddy who loved them or could take care of them. This completely broke her heart! I think she was in tears for several minutes. This confirmed what we knew God was calling us to….adoption.